Retro corner

Twitter has a weekly tradition known as Throwback Thursday, where people tend to post old pictures of themselves or other retro things. I was feeling victorious after breaking 3k on my wordcount yesterday, so I posted a couple of pages from some old 90s music magazines I found while clearing out the box room. If you missed them, have a look at yesterday’s photos on my Twitter here. Anyway, this seemed to go down well, so I think it should become a regular reward for hitting NaNoWriMo targets.

Today I limped over par, being distracted by cancelling a debit card after a fraud call and performing some furious press-ups outside like some kind of budget Rocky montage, in a vain attempt to make more words come to me. But now that it’s done, why don’t we take a look at Smash Hits magazine, all the way from January 1998?

Mmmbop, boopdedoo mmmbop, badabadoo *gunshot*

Mmmbop, boopdedoo mmmbop, badabadoo *gunshot*

Ahh, Hanson. Sort of what would happen if the Jackson Five really messed up in a previous life and got trapped in the bodies of three saccharine Tulsa brothers. What I like about this interview is Zac’s sterling devotion to being the ‘special’ one. Then there’s the fine juxtaposition of a pregnancy rumour with one of them getting a ‘mystery rash’ in South America (zounds, these Hanson boys are out of control!) And let’s not overlook young Isaac effectively predicting the grim rise of Christian rock Tesco Value goths Evanescence with his ‘alt’ lyrics.

They’re still going, 90s fans. They brought out a beer. It’s called Mmmhop. Yes, really. And their new material isn’t too shabby. But- gird your loins- this is what they look like now:

Blimey.

Blimey.

Moving on, we have one for the old devotees of Radio 1, with Mark and Lard in their incarnation as spoof band The Shirehorses:

They don't make 'em like this any more.

They don’t make ’em like this any more.

I’m going to be frank- I want Mark and Lard back on Radio 1, back when I used to actually be in the target demographic and drivetime was good and come back with my walking stick young man how dare you. And ‘Peela Tater’ and ‘Edwyn Bobbins’ is still funnier than certain ITV2 comedians I could mention. You can still catch both of them on 6Music, the new home for those of us in denial about sneaking onto Radio 2 at weekends to listen to Graham Norton. Ahem.

Peter Andre

I mean, what did Katie Price see in him?

Hey kids, do you remember when song lyrics came in booklets stapled to the middle of Smash Hits, and when you pulled it out you ripped Kavana’s face and were sad? No? Well, here’s a Peter Andre feature- I’ve cropped his face so you all don’t have nightmares- and there’s an interview nicely summed up by that big red quote. Pity he didn’t leave, eh, with sterling lyrics like ‘Hey, batter batter, woof woof’ and ‘It’s ten to nine, you’re lookin’ fine/And I can’t help but vibe’ (Vibraphone? Vibrator?) On seeing this, my dear husband spontaneously freestyled this rap that would put Warren G to shame:

Are you battered like a haddock/Are you fried like a cod/Do you feel like a fish/’Cos that would be quite odd

He’s available for weddings, bar mizvahs and funerals, guys!

Next time on Retro Corner: possibly some vintage Ant and Dec, those cheeky Spice Girls, and that guy off of Coronation Street that had that single and his name was Rickets or something. Oh, the 90s. The gift that keeps on giving.

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