Retro Corner 2: All In The Best Possible Taste

It’s been a long week. A long, difficult week, and not just for writing. So, it’s time for another long-overdue episode of Retro Corner on this throwback Thursday!

Today’s gems come from copies of The Beano, Big! and Sega Power, because never let it be said my tastes are singular. First up, a comic!

DUMP THAT BASTARD ALREADY, GURLFREN.

DUMP THAT BASTARD ALREADY, GURLFREN.

Only having this page of the comic lends a certain mystery to these events. It seems like Brad Bastard has been dobbed into the police by his girlfriend, who’s had a change of heart about going on romantic shoplifting dates with bastards. Furious and heartbroken at not getting his end away, Brad steals¬†Tinker from the dog shelter, because that’s what juvenile delinquents do. Damn, I didn’t get that memo. *stares at rough draft of second novel, ponders dog theft scene*

Next up, cheeky I’m A Celebrity chappies Ant and Dec, back when they were fresh out of their stellar roles as PJ and Duncan. They’re demonstrating surefire ways to win a lady’s heart. Like shooting her in the head and dropping your trousers. More worryingly, astute readers will spot that the usual Ant-Dec photo order is reversed in the top-left corner. Dec-Ant? What is this witchcraft? I literally cannot deal with this right now.

IT IS THE END TIMES.

IT IS THE END TIMES.

What else do we have in my bag of tricks? Ooh, I do love a good agony aunt page. You’ve got your usual serious things, like eating disorders, strange discharges and pushy boyfriends. Then you have an Eastenders-loving truant and ‘a bruised Peter Andre fan’. Tell you what, if you combined the punchy friend and the truant, you’d have a great character right there. Can’t think where I’ve seen him before. Don’t think he’d like Peter Andre, though. He’d probably punch his lights out.

Agony Aunt

LEAVE IT AAAHT. SHE AIN’T WOOORRRRFF IT.

On to gaming. I’m really not sure where to start with this advert for popular Patrick Moore-in-a-cyborg-helmet TV tie-in magazine, Gamesmaster. Is it the inclusion of known turkey, the 3DO? Or the lady with boobs she really ought to have checked out by a medical professional? Or is it the 14 pages of… yeeaaahh.

#awkward

#awkward

And finally, this lovely advert from Sega Power, back when Virgin Games were at the height of their power. The excellent Robocop Versus Terminator. And the… I’m sorry, what in merry hell is this? I can just see the Shoreditch marketing hipsters sat round their desk in 90s London, sipping whatever they had before Starbucks existed. Instant Nescaf√©, I bet. Joel turns to Mark and the saga begins.

‘You know what would REALLY get the kids on board? Dictators, right. ON British beaches.’

‘I’m not sure I follow you.’

‘What really epitomises the “experience” of this game is the juxtaposition of the deadly with the sandy.’

‘But it’s two men shooting at each other…’

‘I thought we could do Idi Amin in Brighton, followed by Josef Stalin in Bognor Regis…’

*sounds of screaming fade to silence*

I always did think it was a conspiracy.

I always did think it was a conspiracy.

Ah well. That’s your lot for now. Turn that frown around, fellow NaNo participants, and stay strong. A week and a bit to go!

 

 

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