Retro Corner 3: Vinyl Special

I recently took delivery of a boxload of my parents’ LPs. Now, some of them are fantastic. There’s ABBA, Beatles, Elvis and all that good stuff, and they’ve gone right into my flight case of precious records with my strange blend of 80s pop and dense prog.

Other records are… dubious, to say the least. Here’s but a small selection, ahead of tonight’s BBC Four screening of a 1979 Top of the Pops.

The Beatles, as they were never meant to be imagined.

The Beatles, as they were never meant to be imagined.

Let’s start with a doozy. Tijuana brass was definitely a 70s trend. I imagine it commanded the respect of the trendy youths as much as Skrillex does with his car-alarms-masquerading-as-music. It worked for Herb Alpert and his Spanish Flea, after all. But the Beatles? Let’s see how the marketing copy people fare with this ‘big ask’…

They deserve a beer for persevering.

They deserve a beer for persevering.

‘In musical terms the journey is easily made’. If, say, you’re travelling uphill through snow, dragging a trombone, with an albatross around your neck. ‘The surprising thing is that the two [genres] have never been brought together’. Aye, there might be a reason for that. Next!

Who's your favourite member- Gary, Jason, Robbie or, er...

Who’s your favourite member- Gary, Jason, Robbie or, er…

One for the TOTP viewers. Quite why resurrecting the corpse of rock ‘n’ roll had as much sustained popularity as it did, I’ll never know. I personally hold them responsible for the Stray Cats that followed. Ugh.

It was a simpler, more UKIP, time.

It was a simpler, more UKIP, time.

From the people that, presumably, brought you Love Thy Neighbour comes this. Annoyingly, it has a bunch of good music on it, so I may keep it. Don’t send Farage round though. *shudders*

Our hits are THIS big!

Our hits are THIS big!

My dad was really, REALLY into Dr. Hook. I mean, a third of this box is Dr. Hook. Way before Gabrielle had her stunt eyepatch to hide her squint, Ray Sawyer actually lost an eye for real in an accident and wore one. Yeah, that’s hardcore middle of the road music, kids!

Well, this is coherent.

Well, this is coherent.

I actually think more albums should just quote concertgoers on the back. Just imagine the One Direction albums. If you can put ovaries exploding into words, it would just be ‘WHAT DO YOU MEAN NIALL IS BETTER THAN ZAYN???’ Or maybe when Stevi from X Factor gets a record deal, the back will simply read ‘Who? Oh crap, I’m supposed to be at Taylor Swift next door. Sorry.’

WHAT FRESH HELL IS THIS

WHAT FRESH HELL IS THIS

Saving the best till last, I have absolutely no idea where this record came from. But look, Whovians, it’s Jon Pertwee! Singing, er, Hans Christian Andersen songs! I wonder how well this did. I imagine it’s a bit of a niche market.

It was a simpler, pre-Yewtree time.

It was a simpler, pre-Yewtree time.

Wait, hold on. Ignore the kids being forced to look jolly and sing their hearts out. He did another album? With June Whitfield, Ab Fab’s greatest comedy granny? Excuse me while I hop onto Ebay…

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