Eurovision 2016: The Big Five

Tomorrow, I’ll be in Stockholm with my long-suffering husband, mooching around the Eurovision Village and quite probably going to the Abba Museum. Oh yes, it’s a thing. So while I bask in the Eurocheese in person, here’s a quick roundup of the guaranteed finalists. Normal rambling about writing will resume in a week…

France: Amir – J’ai cherché. France have kind of languished for a good few years, but this may well revive their fortunes with Amir’s entry. Very radio-friendly in a Måns way, plus he looks a bit like Gotye of Somebody That I Used To Know, which adds a point to his score. 9/10

Germany: Jamie-Lee Kriewitz – Ghost. She’s still at college, but she won The Voice over there and now brings her unique Japanese fashion to Eurovision. I’ve heard the staging isn’t as good as folk expected, so that may hurt her chances. But Lena was cute and adorable and had a great song, so maybe there’s a good chance with this? 8/10


So kawaii ^_^

So kawaii ^_^

Italy: Francesca Michielin – No Degree of Separation. Sanremo, Italy’s selection process, is second only to Malta’s in terms of how much caffeine you need to ingest to stay up for the whole thing. A whole week of it, there was. You have to endure bizarre comedy skits, the usual bemused celebs which this time included Elton John, Ellie Goulding and Nicole Kidman, and the most creepy, sexist presenter in the world. Although old duffers Stadio won, they passed on the crown to Francesca, which is just as well because her song is a billion times better. Probably not a winner, but was worth sitting through 5 hours of final for. And there was always hunky actor Gabriel Garko making it more worthwhile. Ahem. 6/10


It's been a good year for Brooding Eurovision YA Hero.

It’s been a good year for Brooding Eurovision YA Hero.


Spain: Barei – Say Yay!. Loreen was a judge on Spain’s show this year – and smacked down another contestant for effectively ripping off Euphoria in the most marvellous shade-throwing way. Barei’s entry is a great little upbeat number which may well get to the left side of the scoreboard. 8/10

UK: Joe & Jake – You’re Not Alone. I was already fed up of our hopefuls after relentless Radio 2 airplay, so it took industrial levels of drink to get through our selection show. Which, oddly enough, Katrina of The Waves fame seemed to go with, resulting in the most unintentionally hilarious drunk judging process I’ve seen. The only things mildly better than Joe & Jake were ‘we’re just back from our gap yah’ Dulcima and faux-Country hopefuls Darline. It’s not too bad, and I hear the staging is very good, but a winner? Nah. 7/10

Sweden: Frans – If I Were Sorry. There were so many fantastic entries to Melodifestivalen this year – the return of walking kawaii bombs Dolly Style, Robin Bengtsson with his harmonica, and the relentless earworm of SaRaha – and they picked Frans instead, which is inte så bra. Almost as if one of the comedy songs from Melfest was looking into the future; they sang something along the lines of ‘please don’t pick us this year, we can barely afford Petra Mede’s French lessons’. As for Frans, it’s a bit Ed Sheeran only sung by a cheeky young scamp. Meh. Chuck Sweden a few quid, will you? 5/10



I won’t be in Sweden for the grand final, because tickets for that are like unicorn teeth. But I’ll hopefully be live-tweeting with a special guest writer, wearing my latest Raspberry Pi creation that involves 5 metres of LEDs, and being incredibly drunk from the usual Eurovision drinking game shenanigans. Maybe I’ll even return with a selfie from Justs, because just look at his beautiful eyes though. *sigh*


I will find him in the Fan Village, and I will put him in my suitcase and take him home ❤



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